“Be authentic, be true to yourself” – an advice I often hear. People tell us to be authentic when we make new friends, start a new relationship or need to make some changes in our life. However, what does it mean, being authentic. How do you know you are true to yourself?

The thing is we are not just one real self, but have many different parts.

Those parts play out in varying degrees depending on the roles and the situations we are in. Imagine, you introduce yourself at a business networking meeting, or get acquainted with other parents of your child’s new school.

Which words would you use to describe yourself in those different situations and roles? You will probably notice that some words seem to be more dominant than others and some might even be in conflict.

Take the following example. A parent is so happy for her daughter to work in a job she enjoys. However, at the same time she might feel a sense of loss and disconnection, because her daughter is now thousands of miles away.

The problem is when we identify ourselves to just one part we get stuck in a problem, a situation or behaviour that is not helpful to us.

Realising, that ‘you’ consists of many parts, is the first step to make changes and get unstuck.

The more you are curious about the different faces of yourself and become aware of them the better you will be able to create a balance. You will be able to nurture parts that were more passive and therefore change the dynamics.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”

Carl Rogers

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Conversations with my pink elephant

Image: Some rights reserved by Benimoto

When I was young I did gymnastics. I was confident with the floor and vault exercises, but had an ongoing conflict with the balance beam. In my mind it was the most cruel part of gymnastics. Raised from the floor and only 10 cm wide. Every time I lost balance I added a painful bruise to my collection on my legs, sometimes hitting the same spot over and over again. At times my mind was consumed with the vision of falling which resulted in my body to freeze.

My movements became jerky instead of fluent and flexible. My body tensed up and reacted to anything that was going on internally (my fearful visions) and in my environment (instructions from my trainer). These constant responses literally threw me off balance.

To master the beam you have to be able to listen to your body and take mindful actions to move forward.

The difficulty for me was to find the right balance between listening and taking action.

I still encounter those situations in my life where I fall off the beam. I loose balance and catch myself reacting to anything that comes my way.

When I find myself in this situation I put away and turn off anything that could distract me from regaining balance. This could be the radio, phone, computer, or any paper or to do lists that stare in my face.

Then I just do nothing, only follow the air of my breath and observe any sensation that emerges. This can take me one minute, ten or twenty. This little ‘time-out’ exercise clears my mind and often shows me how to get back on the balance beam.

What is your experience? How do you balance listening and taking action?

Image: Raphael Goetter

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Create space for clarity

How often do you get distracted during the day? With so many things going on in your mind, a myriad of tasks to do and devices continually alerting you of incoming emails, tweets, calls, texts or friend posts, how can you stay focused?

When your attention is divided between different things at the same time it can easily throw you off-course and can get overwhelming at times. Look at design or photography. The aim is to create one focal point to direct the viewer’s attention to it. As Garr Reynolds points out: “conflicting focal points would be a distraction” as it would introduce confusion and obscure clarity.

The attention we have for something diminishes with every distraction we follow, because attention is limited. The more you switch activities the more you divide and use your attention for those distractions and transitions. How much, do you think, is left to focus on something that is important to you.

Distractions also have a rewarding side. They can relieve worries or frustrations. Though this often only lasts for a short time and worries are back again. Anything that give us some relief from uncomfortable feelings or thoughts or anything that is just in front of us seems too attractive to ignore. We tend to easily get distracted. So, what can you do to stay focused and reduce distractions.

1. Switch off any communication devices & clean your desk
This is the easiest and most effective step you can take when you want to focus on a specific project. Our brain has the tendency to focus on what is right in front of us. So switching off your devices or removing any paper or notepads from your sight, will help you to reduce distraction. Make the project your focal point. Or make dinner with your family your focal point. Just switch off your mobile or remove anything that might remind you of the tasks you still have to do.

2. Take a break
Regularly take a break from what you are doing. The key is that you do that consciously. Get up every 30 minutes, have a stretch, a small walk or learn to juggle balls.

3. Write things down
Every time you have an idea, or remember a task you need to do write it down. That way it can’t distract you anymore, as you don’t need to use any brain power to remember. When you have finished your project, you can go back to your notes and then decide if there is anything on there you need to do right now. If not, just leave it there.

4. Become aware of your internal distractions
One of the most effective ways to reduce distraction is to get to know your internal thoughts. This is a more difficult step but the most rewarding. The more you know your thoughts or your feelings in any given situation the better you can stop yourself following any urge (“I need to get that cup of coffee”). The point is that you need to inhibit the actions fast, in under half a second, which in some studies is the time between noticing an urge and the urge taking over.

So, how can you become more aware what is going on inside you:

- Become a curious observer.
- Stop what you are doing and take a few breaths.
- Notice your thoughts, feelings or bodily sensations that are coming up for you right now. Say them out loud or write them down. This is helpful especially when you just start out doing this.

Do this a few times a day over the next two weeks. It seems difficult in the beginning but the more you practice the easier it gets. Observing what is coming up for you will become an automatic behaviour and it will help you to identify distractions and stay focused.

“I have no special gift – I am only passionately curious”
- Albert Einstein

A curious mindset, it turns out, is not only essential in the development of science but is one of the key ingredients in reducing stress and promoting change.

Have you ever tried to control or push away the feeling of stress, because you really didn’t have time to be stressed? You probably felt you put lot’s of energy into it, not leaving much attention left to the things you really wanted to do. Maybe it was a project you wanted to start, a decision you needed to make or you just would have loved to spend time with your family.

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